April 20, 2012
I was over at Reese’s the other day picking up treats, man, cause I was fiendin’.
Now, it was Reese because my first man, my Cap’n, Cap’n Crunch, was outta town. Cap’n left his business to his cousin, who’s a goddamn Pop Tart. I don’t do business with him—made a point of that years ago. Reese—Reese’s like a Count Chocula, got the killer pad, got the treats, pretty regs, but good ya know? I was fiendin’, didn’t really need no real Rice Krispy shit, ya know what I’m sayin?
So I Fruit Roll Up over to Reese’s and I gets my treats. I’m in and out, he gives me a good price, I say what up to the Honey Bunches and my Oats and I’m out, slam Dunkaroo, I’ma hit it. I head back to the Bowl, I drive round the Box a few times and find my Kid’s Korner—know what I’m sayin? And I Cookie Crisp it up.
‘Cept. It didn’t feel right man. The feeling, you know it, right when the spoon hits and you lean back in your chair and you Chex out and you start seein’ Starbursts and all that—I didn’t feel it. I hit the back of my seat and just sat, just sat for like five minutes man, didn’t feel muffin. I’m so Pez’d man, I’m fiendin’ harder than ever and gettin’ nothing of it, and I just start thinkin’ bout killing this Nutter Butter.
But first I call up Cap’n Crunch and I give him the Fun Dip. He tells me to sit tight and stay Kool-Aid, and don’t do anything licorice. So I do, I indulge him, I sit tight. But sittin’ there I start thinkin and fiendin’, and I mean really thinkin yo—I’m seein’ Count Chocula, that goddamn Airhead, sittin’ up there in his castle all Chuckles and Snickers, thinkin’ he’s hot fudge. And then I see me comin’ up on him and gettin’ Nutrageous on his ass! I’m Snap, Crackle, and Poppin’ ‘im; I’m makin’ Mounds in his face; his teeth are fallin’ out like Tic Tacs! It looks so good, makin’ Reese’s Pieces, I’m thinkin’ I’m actually gonna Almond Joy it.
A Junior Mint’s gotta know that he can’t Trix a General Mills like me out his treats like that. They all gotta know.
So I Cheez Whiz back over to Reese’s. I sneak around back real Fruit by the Foot and I get into his living room. Place was a mess. Couple of the Honey Bunches were Chex’d out on the couch—they obviously were tastin’ on the real Treats. The table was littered with all of it—the dude had probably seven Teddy Grahams of Cookies & Cream, FL OZ’s of Coke, Cracker Jacks, Special K enough of it to send all Three Musketeers to the Milky Way and back. I Double Stuff Oreo’d my pockets with some of it—haha yessir! Gave my teeth a little rub so I could feel a bit of that Sour Power, and I headed back into his room.
I find him on his bed messin’ around with this Tootsie Roll and I say, “Honey Bunch leave, I needa have a few words with your jelly bean here.”
Reese gets up and says, “You? What do you want?”
I lifted my Twizzler and says, “I want what the fuck I paid for! And I want to end you, Froot Loop, cause you need to be taught that you don’t Cheeto a General!”
I pull back the Apple Jack ‘cause I always love that sound—Kit Kat. And Honey Bunch starts screamin’ and right as I’m about to Frito I hear that Ho-Ho sound and a “POLICE OPEN UP!” I say “Shit!” and I bounds back through the gum drop and I Kix out the screen door, couldn’t be bothered openin’ it, and I’m out.
But the thing is now, this all puts me a spot, something that’s been Devil Doggin’ me for a while. What I figure is that it was my Cap’n Crunch that called the cops on Count Chocula, takin’ my revenge, yessir, but where’s the honor in that? Whether the Cap’n had some larger scheme of it or somethin’ I don’t know, but I’m startin’ to doubt my brother now. If he in leagues with the Gobstoppers I can’t exactly be poppin’ my head in and out of his crib all the time, naw what I mean? And where else am I gonna cop my Treats?
I’m feelin’ like everyone around me Gummy Worms and Gummy Bears, man. It’s gettin’ sticky, and I don’t know how much S’more I can take.